Written by: Melissa Johnson, BA, MA intern
All or nothing thinking is also known as polarized thinking. One of the most common ways that it plays out is the unintentional belief that anything short of perfection in ourselves or others equals failure. Because at it’s core this type of thinking can’t allow for a person, idea, or circumstance to be both of two things at the same time (for example, both flawed and worthy of dignity), it often presents itself as completely and totally logical, when in fact, it can be a corrupt way of thinking.
Logic is an incredibly important human resource. Every day you are engaged in hundreds of thousands of split-second logical processes called decisions. How we get to work, how we get home. What oven temperature to set for dinner. What we do for fun. Even how we engage in relationship is often guided by logical frameworks. For example:
If I spend time with this person, I feel encouraged. This is an encouraging person.
Like tracks for a train, logic is quite literally the way that we get anywhere. And sometimes it works in absolutes. If you’re traveling north, and turn left, you will be heading west. Turning left, when you’re going north, always takes you west. Similarly, logic is the way that we grow food. If you want to grow beans, you plant bean seeds in the ground. Planting bean seeds always yields beans. Logic is good.
However, misplaced logic often leads to destructive ways of thinking and relating. What if you intended to drive due West, but having no compass, are unaware that you’re not currently traveling north? Turning left does not always take you West. What if you love eating beans, but you have a bag of mislabeled sunflowers. Planting seeds does not always yield beans.
The misplaced logic of all or nothing thinking is problematic at worst when you want beans, or to take the westward route home from work. When it comes to the way that we view ourselves and others, all or nothing thinking can be an outright disaster.
Perhaps one of the most obvious illustrations of the danger of all or nothing thinking during this epoch is American politics. Consider the following “all” or “always” statements:
“People who vote Republicans are always aggressively pro-gun.”
“People who vote Democrat all want total government control.”
Of course, this type of thinking also plays out in our personal relationships. Consider these “never” statements:
“My husband never acknowledges the work that I’m doing to raise our kids. He must not appreciate me at all.”
“My child and I will never agree politically. I’ve failed as a parent.”
What’s the problem? These thoughts aren’t really true. Your husband might be having trouble managing his own workload. Your family probably shares more common values than conflicting insights. And in my experience, a lot of voters approach the polls with some type of internal conflict.
When we engage with ourselves and other people with “always” and “nevers”, we’re essentially convincing ourselves that the way we see it (whether that “it” is our partner’s comment, the political climate, or what love looks like) is the only way to see it. And so, we stop listening, both to ourselves for our better instincts, and to others for what might possibly be even more true.
Now, before you go thinking I’m a radical-deconstructionist-millennial who believes that there is no truth, let me reassure you. I don’t think we’re all just out here dreaming up reality; on the contrary, I believe that knowing with certainty that there is a North is the first step in traveling West.
And, I believe that we are invited to engage with people and ourselves in a way that discovers the fullness of reality over time, with all of its pain and beauty. Sometimes that means we have to admit to not knowing exactly which way is up or down, or how to get there. Among other things, for me this means:
When my efforts are unsuccessful, it doesn’t mean that I’m doing a bad job. I still have a lot to learn.
When people take a different stance than I do, they might have had some very different experiences that I don’t know about.
The opposite of polarized thinking is paradoxical thinking. It supposes that two seemingly opposed truths could actually both be true. What good is taking a both/and perspective? In place of fear, dread, and anger, the possibility of “both/and“ stirs up an appreciation for uncertainty. In other words, paradoxical thinking makes us curious.
I wonder why my spouse (my child, my parent, my self) can’t seem to love my family like I really want them to right now?
That person is different than me. I wonder what their childhood experience was like?
I wonder what it would be like to be a person of color in America right now?
Recognizing and replacing all-or-nothing thinking with curiosity isn’t just a helpful interpersonal process. I believe it’s essential for human flourishing on a global scale. But sometimes the emotions that we experience hand in hand with the “always” and “nevers” of life are too overpowering, and we can’t make sense of “both.” There are a few steps you can take toward this new horizon.
First, the practice of journaling can help you identify the places in your thoughts or relationships that are getting stuck in unhelpful patterns of all-or-nothing thinking. Consider writing out answers to these two questions, or questions like them:
- When do I feel most afraid of failure?
- When do I feel most angry with other people?
- What are some things that I “always” seem to do?
Jot down a few “always” statements related to those specific moments. Pay attention to what you’re feeling, and consider what two seemingly opposed things could both be true. Could you be both hurting, and growing, because of tension in a relationship? Could you be both anxious about what’s happening in the world, and brave enough to be kind your neighbor even though they might see things differently?
Next, consider some of the ways that you’ve used your own strengths to serve other people and some of the ways that other people’s strengths have served you in your weakness.
- What’s one gift that I’ve received this week?
- What’s one thing that I enjoy doing, that I got to do in the past few days?
- What’s something that someone else made, that makes my life easier?
- What’s a moment that I had with someone close to me where I felt understood?
These responses can be very simple! I’m grateful for the way that other people have developed technology. I’m grateful for a certain set of live worship recordings from Atlanta. I’m grateful for the opportunity to live with family. Let yourself become curious in your gratitude. And share it with others.
If you find that your tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking runs deep, is wreaking havoc, and you can’t overcome it on your own, a counselor trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could help. Your therapist would eagerly talk with you about how polarized thinking is affecting your work or relationships. Working through strategies specific to your circumstances could help free you from the constraints of “always,” “all,” and “never,” so that you can begin to experience the freedom and goodness of curiosity, and be part of the flourishing of a complex world.
Melissa is a counseling intern with Adaptive Counseling and is taking new referrals. She loves working with teenagers, individuals and families who feel stuck personally, professionally, or spiritually as well as folks who are experiencing seasons of grief, loss, and loneliness. Read more about Melissa here: www.adaptivecounseling.com/ourteam-2 or call 231-715-8466 to schedule an appointment.