Let’s be honest. Sometimes expressing gratitude feels silly.
Even as a counselor I often feel sheepish about offering gratitude practices as an intervention. It seems so simple, so basic, so… obvious. And, if I’m taking a hard and honest look at myself, I must admit that sometimes I underestimate it’s power. And it’s importance.
I think we often treat gratitude like a piece of good mail. It gets sent to our home by a thoughtful friend or loved one, and delivered by a faithful mailman. We open it up, take a breath in, and let our eyes scan over it. Maybe we smile to ourselves. Mmmmmm. We allow ourselves one moment of happy noticing.
And then we drop that note on the counter where it will live the rest of it’s short life. We throw our bills on top of it. And then our junk mail. Our spouse gets home and throws their keys on top of it. Our kids get home and throw their homework on top of it. And before we know it, that piece of gratitude is buried under today’s chores, tonight’s argument, and tomorrow’s worries.
Unfortunately letting the stress of our daily lives pile up on top of our gratitude means that many of us are missing out on an important part of our personal and relational well-being. This well researched idea has proven unsurprisingly true during the Covid-19 pandemic. More gratitude, better health. Less gratitude, more stress.
In their book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman and Nan Silver describe developing fondness and admiration as the primary antidote to contempt. One sure way to develop fondness and admiration? Express gratitude for your partner. Gottman writes, “there’s nothing complicated about reviving or enhancing your fondness and admiration. Even long-buried positive feelings can be exhumed simply by thinking and talking about them.”
But how is it done? Differently, for every person. But for every person, gratitude necessitates at least one simple behavior: stop. To uncover gratitude means to slow down, and tune in. Allow yourself an extra moment of happy noticing.
Expressing gratitude with or toward your spouse might seem silly at first, especially if stress, worry, and criticism have snuck into your every day operating system. But if the research is true, practicing gratitude (even if you’re the only one doing it) reduces stress, and could increase life expectancy. Wouldn’t it be worth it to feel a little bit silly, by trying something obvious for a moment?
Is it possible that gratitude is hiding in plain sight in your relationship? Maybe you feel like fondness and admiration for your partner are buried so deep, you need help sorting things out to find it. If that’s the case, consider seeing a professional couples counselor. Or maybe you’re just noticing that your joy is buried somewhere like a piece of junk mail. What we do will seem simple sometimes – you may even find it silly on occasion. But we are trained in helping others notice opportunities for gratitude. And we’ll commit to it with you – even when we feel silly too!
By Melissa Johnson, LLPC